In October 2020, I was on a beautiful holiday in Sardinia with my partner and I discovered lumps under my arms. Ben said my glands were just inflamed, but deep in my heart I just knew. After having been alongside my father (who passed) and 2 sisters (1 who passed, 1 who survived) during their fight against cancer, I could feel the energy of the disease again like a nightmare about to happen - but this time, to me.
I immediately saw my Dr when I got home and the process of of taking biopsies, scans and referrals were complete within weeks. Every Dr and nurse I encountered were phenomenal. By the end of November, I got the diagnosis. ‘Stage 3 aggressive cancer: Hodgkins Lymphoma.’
Good news: one of the most treatable types of cancer with an 85% cure rate. Bad news: the chemo treatment is extremely intense and hard - and it goes on non-stop for 6 MONTHS. Not everyone manages to complete it. Shortly followed by frightening information that the ‘chemo itself can kill you, let alone the cancer’, I began the hardest journey of my life. I thought losing my father and sister in 3 months was tough.
I thought finding out my previous 5 year partner was an adulterer was heartbreaking. But nothing prepared me for that chemo treatment. I went into it with my usual strong mindset of positivity - knowing my mind was the greatest tool I have and I could get through it by utlising the power of my mind. The problem?
The chemo treatment was so intense and had hallucinatory / psychotic side effects. In short, I no longer had command of the tool I used to rise above all previous obstacles in my life and manifest a better reality. What did I have to learn? Probably the most sophisticated element of manifesting. I had to learn to SURRENDER. I learnt the TRUE meaning of TRUSTING the UNIVERSE.
It was like being completely in the dark, without being able to control my thoughts, in an incredible state of physical and mental suffering, and knowing there was NOTHING I could do but to surrender. It makes me cry as I say this:- In every single moment, the Universe held me. The love of the Universe came in and swept me up and cradled me like a vulnerable baby, holding me with such love through my extraordinary pain.
Every single day for months, the Universe was there for me - in every moment (even in the moments I felt totally desperate and just wanted to give up). And all I could do was let the Unnerve in. I couldn’t have survived without it. It was the only relief from the extraordinary suffering. A close friend, who supported me through that time, said to me ‘Jess, what you are going through reminds me of a book I read about a secret agent who was taken prisoner by a foreign state. In a 2m x 2m black hole cell room, every day he was tortured for information he never had, with no hope of escape.’
After many years, he did escape and recalled that dark time as being in a level of extreme suffering that felt like it would never end. In that time he found God (or whatever you want to call it) too. And was it worth it? He said, he’d go back and do it all over again for the connection that it gave him. And so it was with me. Although my suffering was months, not years, that story resonated with me in a way I can explain.
I discovered within myself a strength I never knew I was capable of. And I felt closer to the Universe than I ever had. I learnt how to truly TRUST and fully give myself over to the care of another (the Universe). And the Universe never let me down. She/He was there for me in the most profound way. She/He couldn’t take away my suffering, but my God , could she/he love me through it.
Hold me, as I cried tears of absolute desperation some nights and didn’t sleep a wink for the pain, she/he held me. For me this was a huge thing to learn. Probably the greatest lesson I could have learned in my lifetime - the biggest piece of healing I still needed to learn. To TRUST someone other than myself.
See, I had a very unstable childhood - not only was it marked with scarcity, insecurity and massive inconsistency (never knowing where we’d next live or where the next meal was coming from) but my parents had their own childhood damage that they passed on to us. My childhood was wrought with terrifying moments of rage and abuse (mixed with the confusion of wonderful moments of love). For me to trust someone after the upbringing I had - was almost impossible.
This had led to many unhealthy relationships in my adult life, very low self esteem, and not really knowing who I was as a person (I had been so destroyed as a child that I had lost any sense of who I was and became a robot acting ‘perfectly’ in order to escape the next outburst of rage - it never worked, but I tried).
To let someone in, to TRULY trust them on a deep level where I was utterly vulnerable and allowed them in - trusting them to take care of me in my most fearful moments was EXTRAORDINARILY healing for me. On a very deep vibrational level - I opened my heart to the Universe, to life, to real human connection, to existence. My God, did it really take cancer and SUCH suffering to learn to trust and truly connect? I guess for me it did - such was my fear and pain from childhood.
See, I’d already done SO much work by then - 5 years of ongoing therapy from age 30 to 35 when I was diagnosed. That I was devastated by my cancer diagnosis because I really thought I’d done so much work on healing from my past and clearing up dense vibration - and I had. But this was the missing piece. It was the gift to me. I remember doing a healing meditation (with EMDR) during my 6 months of treatment to uncover the ‘reason I had developed cancer’ and it was shown to me that I had internalised my childhood as a profound message that ‘I did not deserve to exist’.
I had interpreted the abuse as coming from a place of true hatred and wishing I was dead. That’s how it felt. And in this meditation, I was shown the most beautiful tulips:- red and exquisite. And these tulips were opening up and flourishing in the sunshine - claiming their right to live and be happy. I realised that I was that tulip - rebirthing in a way - claiming MY right to exist and live a joyful life. The image of those tulips has never left me (in fact, I have just planted 2000 tulip bulbs along the driveway to my home just to celebrate and reaffirm this beautiful fact to myself!). Not that I’ll ever forget it now!
You know, I truly believe that our bodies are so amazing and communicate with us what still needs healing within our souls. No matter how hard whatever physical illness you may be facing, your body (your great friend) is communicating a message with you - bringing forth to you an opportunity for healing. A gift.
If you want to, because you always have a choice not to, you can take this opportunity to look within, to heal the pain you are still carrying and to return to the perfect health and to the JOY of life that you so deserve. Another side story: they put me through IVF treatment in super quick speed before I started the chemo treatment on 1st Jan.
They said that the chemo would destroy my fertility so they were incredible and put me through IVF incredibly quickly so I would not lose the chance of having a family one day if I wished to. I think I started IVF beginning of November and they operated on Christmas Eve to harvest my eggs. The Dr and nurse came in even though it was a public holiday specifically for me as a ‘special case’. I still remember their kindness. Human being giving from their hearts. Absolutely beautiful expression of love and goodness. I am deeply thankful to them.
So my IVF was a success and Ben and I were thrilled to find that we had quite a few embryos waiting for us after treatment! But little did we know that life had other plans for us!! Just 1 month after I finished chemo, the very first time I ovulated again after many months of not ovulating because my body had closed down to such an extent - I FELL PREGNANT.
Pregnant with my very precious baby Maximilian. And what a gift he was after everything we went through. Within 1 year, I had won my battle with cancer and my body had returned to health enough for me to grow and birth a beautiful baby. Our miracle baby <3 Forever grateful.
During my chemo treatment, in my darkest hours I experienced a level of suffering I sincerely wish NO ONE would ever have to go through. I would be awake all night sometimes with the excruciating treatment for the disease, and the minutes passed slowly. Sometimes I would look at the clock and try and find a way to get through the next 5 minutes. It was so bad.
But on a number of occasions, my beautiful sister Noonie (who passed away in 2012 from her own cancer) came to me. Her spirit was exactly as she had been:- angelic. A very, very beautiful soul. She held my hand for hours sometimes, and looked deeply into my eyes with love and presence with her almond eyes. I always loved her eyes and her hands - they were just like her: grounded, nurturing and pure. I know my sister has moved on to the angelic realm and I knew it was special that she had come to be with me for so much time.
She made it easier for the time to warp - helping me lose track of it as she eased my suffering with her lightness. Noonie, I know you’re listening. Thank you my beautiful sister. Thank you.